do those hiking poles come in pink?

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The juxtaposition of the Barbie cake, tea set, and hiking poles is a crack up. But look how happy our little seven year old is! We had a low-key, at-home celebration. What was on the menu, you ask? Awww, yes. Pasta con queso con chachichas, sin ketchup. Yeah, mac-n-cheese and hotdogs!!!!!!!!!! Gross, right? At least, it was the cheapest birthday dinner ever requested. :) We spent the evening playing the Wii and eating yummy chocolate cake. Nikki’s best friend, Erica, also joined us. That is who gave Nikki the tea set. It is currently the favorite toy in the house. Thank you Stewart family. The kids absolutely adore Erica…she is a wonderful friend.

On a serious note, Nikki’s birthday brought tears to my eyes. It is the first birthday party she has ever had. It is the first time anyone has sung “happy birthday” just to her. It is the first birthday cake ever made in her honor. It is the first time, that she remembers, getting any birthday gifts. Pretty amazing. And we get to do it three more times this year!

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Since Nikki’s bday was on a Friday, we took her new hiking poles out for a spin on Saturday. We had a blast finding the Anniversary Narrows out at Lake Mead. It was a pretty easy hike, and the kids had a great time. After walking down a wash for awhile, we entered a slot canyon that was really cool to traverse with the ninos. They did well. You’ll notice the backpacks loaded down–we are still training them for this spring. We can’t wait to do some overnighters.

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After that, Aunt Marisa picked Nikki up to take her to Build-A-Bear for her gift from her tios. She hasn’t let go of the bear yet! We ended the weekend of celebration with a February Birthday Party at the McCracken’s home. Zoe and grandpa both had birthdays this month too. I think that Nikki was sufficiently spoiled, and the other children were sufficiently jealous. :) Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be?

zero to five, and back to four

Finally, I had ‘that’ moment. For months I have waited and wondered when it would actually happen. This morning, as I awoke from a very vivid dream, it did. It finally hit me that I am actually a mother of four children. And not just any four children, but four little Colombian strangers who I would never have known, let alone have the opportunity to mother, if it wasn’t for our faith and hope in adoption. How did this happen?

Everyday I realize just how fantastic my reality really is. I did not create my children one, or even two, at a time. I went from zero to four quite literally overnight. Why am I not overwhelmed? I should be overwhelmed. One awesome August morning, at the age of 32, I woke up, packed my bags, drove to a lush hillside on the outskirts of Bogota, and instantly became a mom. Isn’t that surreal? It’s the coolest way to become a mom, I think. It’s not the easiest, but definitely the coolest.

And maybe my recent reflections on the adoption are just my way of coping with the recent miscarriage. This miscarriage (we’ll say it’s #5) was weird to say the least. I mean, it was unexpected, short-lived, and just weird all the way around. Part of me is too busy doing mom stuff to think about it much. And the other part of me doesn’t want to go back to the warm comfort of functional darkness. And yet, the thought of that familiar place is so very tantalizing.

I am so grateful that my experiences have given me not only perspective, but also wisdom. The ninos demand all of me all of the time, and that is a job worth doing well. We still want a baby. The kids want us to have a baby. But we don’t crave a baby. We don’t pine for a baby. We don’t hate people with rear-facing carseats. I mean, come on. There is so much more to living.

As for fertility, I guess this particular miscarriage takes us back to the proverbial drawing board. We were just getting to the point where we thought we might start deliberately trying, so I guess the timing couldn’t be anymore perfect. Do we try? Do we call it quits? Do we do more testing? Do we go back on Clomid? Do we…..? I have a consult with Dr. S on Tuesday–we’ll see how it goes. Decisions, decisions.

six months, seriously?

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How did we spend our anniversary?

Grocery shopping, practicing the alphabet, lunching with daddy, and driving through town with the windows down singing to the tip-tops of our lungs. Just another ordinary day full of messes, tantrums, games, and laughter. And I cannot imagine it any other way, nor would I trade it.

What is the biggest lesson learned these past six months?

That the soul’s capacity to love is larger and more encompassing than I ever imagined. This adoption has helped me see beyond myself in very specific ways. It has acquainted me with the darkest parts of this world. My mind now houses real images that were previously only viewed from an armchair. Images that remind me of exactly what my children have risen from. Images that, although I wish didn’t exist, have increased my ability to love. Images that have increased my capacity for compassion and mercy.

Just as I have seen the cruelties of man hard at work, however, I have also seen the magnificence of the heavens right along side. Our children are living miracles! Each of their ability to love and forgive is incredible. Danny’s gentleness, Ezzy’s sureness, Nikki’s sweetness, and Juan P.’s–well he’s just Juan P.–assures me that tender mercies still abound. There is beauty to be found, and there is joy to be had!!!

Over the past five years, there have been many many days when I have felt as though my beating heart was literally being ripped from my chest. Moments when I could not breath for the feelings of emptiness and loss were so great. Even now, I can picture vividly those tumultuous times, and feel the despair that engulfed me. But those feeling cannot and never will compare to the feelings that my oldest son felt as a toddler when he was expected to beg for drug money on the streets, or when he was bounced from home to home finally ending up in an orphanage with his siblings. My experience will never hold a candle to my youngest son’s experience of being taken at two days old and never having a mother to bond with until now.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine never knowing from day to day, especially as a young child, if you will be fed or bathed or clothed or safe? Although I have seen it, I still cannot fathom experiencing it. And yet, my children are valiant little spirits. They have keen minds, and they try to do good (except when it comes to toothpaste–don’t ask:). In six short months, I have felt more love for and from them than I ever expected. Even in my best of the best case scenarios I am still blown away by our Colombian Sunshines, and our overall adoption experience. I know not everyone has the same sort of experience, and I know that we have a very very long road ahead. Our home runs far from perfectly! But we trudge along each day…finding joy in the journey.

Six months seems like six days, but also like six years! And I think that is the way it is supposed to be.

bye, bye kavika

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Our little buddy, Kavika, found a permanent home last week. We are so excited for him. Kavika lived with us for two months, and the kids became fairly attached. In fact, when his aunt and uncle came to pick him up there were quite a few tears shed–mostly by Danny.

If you are interested in “life lessons” by a 13 year old, this video is worth watching all the way through…what you do not hear is Adam and cracking up silently when Kavika says that things weren’t always perfect and nice in our home. Hilarious! :)

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCDEpEhzC3g

Me and my sweet Danny discussing how awesome it is that Kavika now has a family just like him. If Danny were a Carebear, he would be Tender-Heart Bear for sure!!!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCgiukfDa5U

what’s up, doc?

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Finally, we were able to get to the dentist. I am not quite sure that I am glad we went….the kids all need something done–caps, fillings, spacers–you name it. Looking at the children’s mouths in Bogota, we knew we were in for it. Luckily, the children loved the dentist. They all willingly opened their mouths, charmed the nurses, and sat patiently in their chairs. Anything to get a toy from the treasure box, right? Who knew going to the dentist could be so cool? :)

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Also this week, the girls had their first round of check-ups with our new pediatrician, Dr. Perez. She gladly took all of the medical files I had from Bogota to look them over. Once she reviews them, she will have a better idea of what blood tests etc. we need to do.

And the poor little things had to get more shots–even after I promised that they wouldn’t have to. Luckily, Dr. Perez speaks Spanish, and she “made sure” they understood that I had no idea. :) Thanks, Doc! The girls were troopers, as usual. And all of the kids go back in March for more shots, and more check-ups. They seem to be in great health so far–nothing unusual or out of the ordinary.

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what a difference

The girls went on their second track break this week. And Wow, I can’t believe the difference. Their first break consisted of lice, tantrums, and general all around craziness. They were discovering all of the toys and crafts upstairs, they were constantly testing boundaries with Adam and me, and they were learning how to do their chores and exist in a family. Needless to say, it was not difficult for me to drop a few pounds over those three weeks–and feel utterly exhausted in the process.

Now things are much calmer. They can communicate. They get dressed before coming down to breakfast. They pour their own cereal and milk. They unload the dishwasher–putting everything away correctly. They operate the DVD player without scratching the movies. And they know how to ride their bikes. (oh, the small successes)

It is such an awesome feeling to see my girls flourish. Not only are they comfortable with daily routines and expectations, but they also genuinely love me more. I can feel it. They see me as their mother, and treat me as such. They completely rely on me for everything now….like it should be. This track break is so much more enjoyable. In fact, I don’t want them to go back to school. :)

it is finally time……

…….to stop posting on our adoption blog! :(

Originally, we wanted a place separate from our “everyday” blog to post the ups and the downs of our adoption process. I am so glad that we did it that way. Psychologically, it allowed me to keep the journey separate–just in case it ended in disappointment as all of our pregnancies had. But now that the kids are home, it seems counter-intuitive to keep separate our fun family adventures and the not so fun family struggles that are a natural part of adoption. I still plan to write real, honest, and open posts. I still plan to write on adoption, fertility, and other issues that shape our existence as a couple, and as a family. My hope is that it brings continuity to our days and weeks and years.

For posts on our full adoption story and related topics, please visit http://adoption.ourlittlemcfamily.com Everything is archived on that site. 

On a friendly side note: We are more settled than we have ever been, which means we have new friends, neighbors, and church members who are finding our blog and joining our journey. For those of you who are new to our lives–please know that what I say here in reference to babies and fertility and adoption is never meant to offend. My opinions and beliefs are never said out of malice or anger. They are simply my private feelings shared in a very public arena. We keep our blog public so that those who are experiencing infertility or contemplating adoption can gather information, learn from our experience, and share their own stories.

We hope you continue reading. Our adoption journey has only just begun!!! :)

not my season

Man, am I glad this week is over! If you stick with the post, you will see why. :)

1.I was scheduled to work (from home) for the first time since we brought our Colombian sunshines home. The only shifts I can work start at 2:30 and 4:00, which is primetime for Mama Rach….homework, snacks, dinner prep, running interference, etc. Since the work requires silence and my undivided attention, I knew after a couple of stressful days that I had to cancel the rest of my shifts. It is a good thing I did. The next night (when I should have been working), Adam did not get home until 9:30. I had to run Kavika to basketball, make dinner, take Adam dinner, discipline three of the five children–two of which resulted in marathon meltdowns, and get them all into bed since Adam was not home. 

The job is something that I really enjoy. I am able to utilize my writing and editing skills. But I learned this week that our four small children truly require my time, attention, and full emotional capacity. If I am to be the mom I expect for myself then this particular job has to be let go. Alas, it is not my season!

2. Adam and I had an emotionally charged visit from a friend on Tuesday. The visit was in reference to a sacred and special religious event that our family is planning. Unfortunately, and yet again, I am reminded that my fertility issues define every part of my life (even when I am not particularly obsessed). Most parents in our church not only get to name their newborns, but also get to celebrate with family and friends as they bless and welcome their little one(s) into the world and into the church. It is a rite of passage, if you will. A ceremony that most dream about and then take for granted.

For our little McFamily, Daniel’s baptism, and subsequent family sealing, was to be that moment for us. Thank you, friend, for your efforts on our family’s behalf. We appreciate your willingness to not only “go to bat” for us, but also to be so understanding and sensitive in discussing the results of our request. I am not bitter, and I am not angry. I am a little sad. But mostly, I am just reminded! 

3.Kavika, our 13 year old “foster son” (don’t know what else to call him) heads back to Arizona on Monday. Yeah, I know! It is completely out of the blue, and kind of cool. There is a family member who has wanted to take Kavika for awhile, but never considered asking because she thought that Kavika’s grandma was not open to splitting the siblings up. Once they found out that Kavika was gone, and where grandma had sent him, they cautiously approached grandma and asked if they could have him.

This family is well-suited for Kavika. They live just one town over from his grandma and sister. He will continue on at the same middle school. And the family’s children are closer to Kavika in age than our little ones. In addition, this family member, and her husband, feel spiritually led and directed to do this–which makes them excited and overjoyed. We just found out yesterday…and they want to pick him up tomorrow. The uncle flies his own plane, and the weather is not looking good, so he is shooting for Monday morning.

Kavika has grown up a little since coming here, and he has learned a few life lessons. We are happy to have provided that for him. I have been especially hard on Kavika because I want him to learn the lessons that discipline and hard work can provide. He has responded like a champ, showing that he is teachable and moldable, even at 13. We are grateful that we were the catalyst that opened the door for this family member to take charge of him. If we had not taken him, they never would have asked. So that makes us feel good. I am a little sad because Kavika has really grown on me the past month. But alas, it is not my season!

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That is how it’s done around here! A seemingly calm, mundane, and ordinary week ended up actually changing the course of our family. The upsides–my children get me totally full-time. The church is still true, and prayers are individually answered. Kavika’s future is bright. And the best part of my week– I spent an hour on the phone this morning with a dear friend from college. Just hearing her voice envigorated me. My spirits were lifted by our conversation, which had nothing to do with said crappy week. And she has no idea how the timing of her phone call impacted my day. My life continues to blessed by the relationships I have fostered throughout it. And that is a blessing from heaven.

mouse’s tank and more

Adam was lucky enough to have MLK Day off. It was gorgeous here in the desert so we went on another hike–of course. The Brummett Family joined us with their newest addition, Sammy (their dog). There are only three places close enough to do any sort of hiking here in Las Vegas–Mt. Charleston, Red Rock, and Valley of Fire–which was our choice yesterday.

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Valley of Fire has many short easy hikes for families. And it is beautiful. We only had time to do Mouse’s Tank yesterday because of our late start. It is pretty wimpy, only a 1/2 mile round trip…but the kids had a blast. Look at Wompy and Carter–their first slot canyon!!!!!!!!!!! :)

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The funniest part of the excursion happened on the drive there. From the freeway turn off, you must drive 11 miles of flat desert to get to the Park entrance. Adam and I pulled off in the open desert to try and trick the kids. The best part about the video is that the kids thought we were totally serious, and they didn’t care where we were. They just wanted their packs on.

And what you don’t see on the video is Danny standing in the desert with his pack on staring at us as we tried taking off. He thought we were really going to leave him there–stranded. I guess I should have more sympathy for my adopted kids–maybe be more sensitive. But really, it was just hilarious! And Danny tried to get back at us later. :)

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybcavnnMmT4

not so “quick care”

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Before the head staples!!!

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After the head staples!!!

Adam wasn’t home from San Antonio but 10 minutes when the boys decided that wrestling on the stairs was a good idea. Hello!!! Wompy knocked his head (where Danny had already given him a goose egg on Halloween) on the corner of the banister–leaving a giant splotch of blood on the moulding.

Needless to say, instead of Sunday napping, we spent a few hours finding a Quick Care that took our insurance and then getting Juan P. treated. We are really proud of his bravery though. He didn’t cry when he brought a handful of blood down to me, nor did he cry during the stapleing procedure.

And he’s so stinkin’ cute that the doctor gave him TWO dulces. Yummy!

***the ouchies on the front of his head were for something the day before–oh, the five year old. :)***