Author: rachel

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a strengthening of faith

So my best friend is pregnant. And we’re not talking a little pregnant. We are talking bursting boobies, peeing constantly, going to have the little guy any day pregnant. I haven’t blogged much about my personal experience with her pregnancy because 1. this is a sacred experience for her and her husband, which I have done my best to honor, and 2. I haven’t wanted to jinx the good luck she has had with this pregnancy.

It seems like just yesterday that she called me in Bogota terrified and sobbing. I will never forget that moment. Jena and Brian were trying their best to wrangle the wild beasts (that really is what they were at the time) into bed so I could step out on the balcony and take the phone call. It was rainy and dark and cold, and I could hear the franticness in her voice. I knew those emotions and thoughts all too well, and I felt her desperation through the phone. It killed me to know that my house was just down the street, but I was thousands of miles away.

The realization of another pregnancy left us both fairly faithless that it would develop into something miraculous. I am not ashamed to admit that. When you have experienced miscarriage after miscarriage, your first thought isn’t “Woohoo, I am pregnant again.” It is, instead, “Oh crap, here we go again. Are you kidding me?” We end up checking ourselves every hour for the inevitable spots of blood. We remember the physical pain, and emotional anguish, of all the grief we have felt before.

And yet, we still try. Why do we try? Because we are believers. And because faith and hope are tightly and inseparably intertwined. So when we feel like our faith is almost depleted, those little glimmers of hope–however shiny and tiny–pick us up and push us on. Hope that something miraculous could eventually happen. Hope that tomorrow is always better than today. Hope that God knows us individually and is keenly aware of our most righteous desires. Now, eight months from that phone call, we are hanging baby clothes, having baby showers, and sprinting happily toward the baby finish line. A true miracle. A true strengthening of faith.

For me, there have been moments of jealousy, of course. There has been some sadness for our own fertility hopes unfulfilled. But those moments have been surprisingly few, actually. Part of it is due to being so busy with our little adopted sunshines. Part of it is me consciously deciding to be happy, no matter what. Part of it is the ability I have to talk to my friend…there is no pretense between us that everything is always okay!

But also, I am just different now than two years ago. I am so grateful that I purposely allowed my recent trials to refine me and to strengthen me. I can’t wait to hold Baby Lea for the first time, truly. I can’t wait to cuddle him, smother him, and spoil him. And I know that the allowance of these feelings are only due to the compassion and strength I have gained from miscarriage and adoption. Look at what I would be missing out on, if I had allowed infertility to consume me. I am so grateful that my faith continues to be strengthened by wonderful experiences such as Jaime’s pregnancy.

And it is not a moment too soon, since all of my friends have decided to be pregnant at the same time!!!!!!!!! (We are still rooting for you, sis.)

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thank you is a good place to start

It has been an impressive, emotional, unforgettable week here at the McCracken home. It will take a few days for me to sort through all of the pictures and events. For those who didn’t make it this weekend, be prepared for a barrage of pictures and text. So much happened in so little time–I can’t wait to document it all. There might even be some tears on your end. Heaven knows there were many happy tears on ours.

Knowing that sorting pics might take awhile, I don’t want too much time to go by without thanking everyone who did make the effort to attend. From the bottom of our hearts we thank each of you for your participation, support, and hard work. Whether you prepared food, provided supplies, donated time, or simply arranged your schedule to be in attendance….we thank you. We appreciate you. We honor each of your efforts in gracing our family.

Our children feel so much love. I see your patience, your caring and your kindness healing their little wounded hearts. It is unbelievable to me, eight months into this journey, how much gratitude I feel for each person who has stayed the course along side Adam and me. Our love for each of you continues to grow. We know you continue to invest in our children and in us. Sometimes that is not an easy thing. And yet, you continue on. That is why we care so deeply for each of you. That is why sharing this weekend with our close family and friends meant so much to us.

Whether you came from across the street, across town, or across a few states, we are grateful for your investment in our family. Whether you are of our Faith or not, we are grateful for your support. Whether you have known us for decades, or for a few short months, we feel gratitude for your service on our behalf. We would not change our situation for anything in the world. Thank You!!!

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more y more y more *sigh*

Upon returning from Bogota, we received the ninos’ Certificates of Citizenship from  USCIS–very important documents. Check!  We were informed by more than one source that before we could apply for social security cards (which we need in order to claim the children on our 2008 taxes) we needed to get the kids’ Certificates of Foreign Birth from the Nevada Secretary of State. So we did that, recently in fact. Check! I even had the paperwork overnighted on our FedEx account both ways so that we could have it expedited.

Today, I finally applied for social security cards, which was an adventure. Actually, my number was called in a timely fashion. I smiled at the lady behind the glass window as I plunked the stack of 10 or so stuffed manila envelopes down on the counter. She gave me that look, you know the one. The “oh boy, here we go” look. Don’t worry, I am so used to it by now. I was the employee’s first International Adoption case so things went very slowly, which was totally fine. I told her I didn’t mind being her guinea pig, if she didn’t mind that my two sons were playing with naked Barbie dolls behind me (hey, at least they were trying to put the clothes back on).

The annoyances arose as she asked for help from her supervisor. I won’t bore you with the long of it. Just imagine that person in your office or at church or on the PTA who not only thinks they know everything, but is ‘so sure’ that they try to make you feel badly in the process to validate their own assumptions. Yeah! I just smiled politely (as I ground my teeth inside of my mouth), and asked them to tell me exactly what documents they needed to move the process along.

For those readers moving along in the international adoption process, here are two helpful pieces of info I found out today:

1. Certificates of Foreign Birth are not needed to apply…..as long as you have:

a.) cert of citizenship

b.) original birth cert w/your last name

c.) adoption decree

d.) child’s passport with immigration visa

Now this is accurate for kids coming in on an IR-3 visa only–not sure about other immigration statuses.

2. If you are applying for more than one child at a time, the SSA will not issue cards sequentially. This means that if you are on a deadline, for example, trying to file a tax return, make sure that you give yourself enough time. Our children’s applications will be filed every two working days, which means that I only received a receipt for my oldest, today. Juan P.’s app will not be put in the system until next Friday at the earliest.

It looks like we might have to file an extension after all. :)

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happy 31st, babe

31 reasons I love being married to you:

1. you are loyal.

2. you are kind.

3. you are honorable.

4. you play with our kids.

5. you take our kids wherever you go, whenever you can, because you want to.

6. you scratch my back every night.

7. you download my shows even though you have little interest in them.

8. you are handsome.

9. you never complain when I cut your hair a little crooked.

10. you do your duty.

11. you love try very hard to follow the Savior in word and deed.

12. you get all giddy about Scouting!

13. you are tenacious, but not uptight.

14. you allow me to see you vulnerable.

15. you do not like to watch ESPN.

16. you push me to do things that I think I can’t.

17. you never say a word about my scrapbooking piles.

18. you kept your buckets of legos for your future boys.

19. you love to travel.

20. you love me despite my failed attempts at producing offspring.

21. you are the quintessential “phone-a-friend.”

22. you talk to people when I don’t want to.

23. you don’t take my ice cream anymore.

24. you let me have your extra fries.

25. you don’t have a lazy bone in your body.

26. you are a really great best friend.

27. you can see both sides of an argument.

28. you are fair and honest.

29. you keep this house technologically sound.

30. you are a friend to everyone.

31. you just love me!

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wompy’s first day of school

6386Happy 1st day of school, Wompies!!!!!

You started school this week, St. Patrick’s Day 2009. We were able to qualify you for a special kinder program that runs through August 8th. Your classroom only has four other students in it. You get extra speech help two days per week. And you even have door to door bus service….seatbelt included. :) When dad and I left the school you were already holding the teacher’s hand and making new friends. No tears from you! I am so glad we waited six months to start you in school. It is clearly evident now that you are bonded and attached to both me and daddy.

Your teachers adore you. You are currently working on writing your name and identifying the rest of the alphabet letters that you do not know. And guess what? Since you started school, you haven’t had a single accident at night. We are keeping our fingers crossed on that one.

And here is a picture of you waiting for your very first bus ride.

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happy 33rd to me

6350YUMMY peanut butter cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.  My mom and dad were in town on business during the week of my birthday so Adam and I were lucky enough to spend the evening out with both sets of our parents. I had the Luau salad, as usual. And we ordered the Factory Nachos as a starter. Does food get any better? Thanks again, mom and dad, for treating us. And Thank You–Angelina and Emily–for watching the kids–and for the scrumptious cupcakes. They were so cute, I didn’t want to eat them.

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So becoming a mother is the only goal I wasn’t able to reach in my 25-30 five year plan. Instead of one healthy baby, I mourned three losses. Somehow, even at 33, I am still insanely jealous of those who reach that same goal. I think it is simply because I am used to doing whatever I say I am going to do. In that respect, not bearing children has been a completely humbling experience for me. And yet, I am still jealous. I guess I have a ways to go in the perfection department.

There were some momentous positives to my before 30 plan. I got married, traveled to five more countries, and finished my masters degree. All things I am extremely proud of, and grateful for. So at 33 I am left wondering, why didn’t I make a new five year plan at 30? I am all about goal-making and attaining. I think fertility and adoption took over my life for awhile, and it was difficult to focus on anything else. I am now resolved to have a two year plan. I will post the results when I am finished contemplating.

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deadman canyon

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Since all of Adam’s buddies ditched their “boys-day-out-canyoneering-date,” I was roped into a family hike. This week’s hike was supposed to be in a forest. In fact, the name of the dirt road we turned off on was “Hidden Forest Road.” And yet, the picture shows something completely different–especially the name of the canyon. Does anyone else see the disparity between the two. I was promised trees, and I got shrubs. I was promised cooler air, and I got three miles of completely exposed desert heat. I was promised a short distance on a nice dirt road, and I got thirty miles of bumpiness driving through the Desert Wildlife Refuge. And my calves, although needed the workout, were not happy Sunday morning.

Oh well, we had a great time hiking with the Dodds family. The kids were troopers as usual. And we experienced a new hike. I was in the car with Danny the other day and out of the blue he said, “Mom, I love camping. I love climbing. I love hiking. I love scouts.” It was so cute, and completely genuine. I said, “I guess it doesn’t take blood to make you so much like your daddy.” :)

Now that Adam is Scoutmaster, I get out of some of the crazy trips he wants to go on. I’ll let him take the scouts. YES!

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in two weeks…

In two weeks, Danny will be baptized in our friends’ pool.

In two weeks, the six of us will be dressed in white looking toward eternity.

In two weeks, the kids will finally meet primos Victoria and Chase.

In two weeks, I get to squeeze newly adopted baby Truxton, and brand new baby Leslie.

In two weeks, we will join with family and friends in great celebration.

……………………..in two weeks

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the fertility verdict

My post-miscarriage consult with Dr. S. went well. We reviewed the past five years, and talked over all of my options. I appreciate my doctor’s candor. He has never promised me anything, although he is still hopeful. At this point, our only option is to seek a fertility specialist. Been there, done that, not too excited to go back just yet.

After pondering our options for a couple of weeks, Adam and I are both of the mindset that right now all our efforts should be focused on the ninos. They take all of our energy and all of our time, in the most delicious way. Although I have many dear friends who are opposed to this idea, if I had to choose right now, I would opt for Adam getting snipped. But we don’t “have” to make a decision so we are going to wait a year and see how we feel. Maybe we’ll go to a specialist. Maybe we’ll try naturally. Maybe we’ll go on clomid again. But for now we are choosing to do nothing.

So back to square one we go. At least this time around we have a house full of joy.

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helluva lucky girl

A simple card….

“Once there was this guy. A nice guy, really. And he met this girl. An incredible girl-truly amazing. So naturally the guy falls head over heels in love with her, and pretty soon they’re picking out china patterns and rings and there’s a wedding and the starry-eyed couple rides off into what will surely be a rosy future.

Okay, so now some time has passed and the guy is living in that future. He’s still married to this girl, but now their life includes a lot of stuff–appliances and bills and loads of laundry and home repair projects. But between all the to-dos and have-tos, there are these moments when the guy stops for a minute and looks around him.

He looks at his wife, who is still truly amazing, he looks at their life together, all the ways and different directions it’s grown, he looks at all the responsibilities he’s got, and he thinks to himself, so, this is my life.

And then he thinks, I am one helluva lucky guy.”

A perfect reminder.